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27 June, 2008 | Metro Round 5

PITILESS PONCHO PUMMELS PIRANHA PRIDE... PERFECTLY!

Burgmann Fields, IL - I told you those Tiger bastards would win didn't I? I almost got the Hoyt kicking the sealer while being tackled by Beau too.... but Hoyt missed and Beau couldn't get near the great man and to the chagrin of DK, neither could any other Piranhas as Hoyt led the Tigers to a classic victory over the flag favorites of Lincoln Park.

The Tigers are hot and have unleashed several gun players this year, just in time to replace big guns Biggs, Burgmann and DeJong and this game was no different as the tigers welcomed in Tommy Gun, whose first up game was bloody fantastic and along with Crackers Brennan, Grisoni, Billy and Oscar late, were able to put enough pressure on the Piranha prime movers to nullify them and to inturn get enough of the kangaroo skin to keep the flamboyant Hoyt in business.

The Tiger backline was where it was won though. Poncho is in absolute rare form (was Saturday night to... just ask Al. Definitely 3 votes there Poncho old son... he made Dave Worniak look sober as a judge!) and completely took apart MacGlashan and then made Roofy look silly before going back to big Al. He was very ably supported by BOG Nemo playing his last game, meaning DeJong and the Tiger brain trust have another big name to replace.

We all expected the Tiger backs to have an effect but with the very gifted midfield of the Piranhas and their massive aerial power, all assembled were just waiting for them to take control, maybe play with the Tige's a bit, say a bit of a spit and then a swallow and maybe spit again before really going for the head but it wasn't to be. The trixies started well enough and nailed the first after a HUGE grab by Brian Monico in front of his adoring sister who did a magnificent job keeping score just quietly....... yet another thing Roofy has taught her to do well apparently! OI! Anyway, back to the footy. Monico kicked his first and sadly for him, it was to be his last kick of the day because the Tigers started to roar (another trick roofy apparently has taught Vanessa.... never mind, back to the footy). Playing his best game thus far, Fish was able to blind step the Dangerous Dave Allen and kick goal of the day to open the Tiger account and this was followed up by a classic crumbers goal by Arnaud Mathieut and then a glimpse of classic Hoyt with a mark out front and goal completely upending the drunken sailor in Dave Worniak whose dad was apparently passed out and snoring by this time on the sidelines. At the first break, Tigers had shot out 3. 1: 19 to lead the Piranha army, 1.0: 6

Perhaps the turning point of the game came in this quarter. The Piranhas hit back harder than Dave Worniak at a bottle of Miller Lite and were able to add two through the dangerous Davey Allen and gun winger Ryan Hayse (I was watching, your missus didn't see it I'm afraid) whose bomb was a classic and one for the highlight reels. Big Al decided it would be prudent to remove Crackers Brennans head and then when Oscar went down with owie, powie popped the shouldie, two big Tiger guns lay dormant on the ground but to their credit, both rose like the phoenix and Oscar went on to snag the last two of the quarter to set the game alight with scores at 5.3: 33 to LP's 3.0: 18

Macglashan went nuts at half time and demanded much more from his charges as Poncho wondered how he was going to hang on with big names falling like an Enron audit. He need not fear however, for himself and last gamer Nemo were superb in the premiership quarter and try as they may, there was no breaking the Tiger 'D' until Monico got a hotly debated (I know cause I made the call, Poncho wasn't happy with me, hence the sucking up I'm doing in this report... the guys bigger than me and you know what those Irish lads get like after a few drinks!) goal after soccering the bad boy through. Crackers Brennan showed up to snag a late one for the Tigers as the crowd anxiously awaited the last quarter, with the Tigers maintaining a 6.5: 41 to 4.1: 25 lead that looked shakier than Mustards knees. The massive crowd of 17 (and Oscie of course but he was away annoying 2 lovely young ladies that were playing frisbee on Montrose beach by this time) held their breath as they waited for the Piranha onslaught which came immediately. The Dangerman in Dave Allen was getting plenty of the ball but his kicking let him down as repeated forays forward were shut down by twin DYNAMO's Nemo and the great man we all know and love as Poncho and the boy wasn't letting the occasion go by as he was heard repeatedly telling Big Al how many marks he'd taken over him thus far. The Tigers finally weathered the storm that was the Piranha come back and then went on and put them to the sword. First Oscar kicked a bomb from an out on the full decision and then the guy that loves the limelight the most, shone brighter than his knob in St Louis last year (I saw it boys!) burst through a pack and went BANG over the shoulder to put the game away giving the mercurial Brian Hoyt (Pat's brother) 2 more for the arvo and entrench himself at the top of the coveted MacGlashan Medal. In the end, the Tigers managed to run away with one of their best victories winning 8. 9: 57 to 6. 2: 38.

BEST:
LS: Poncho, Nemo, Oscar, Fish, Hoyt, Tommy (new bloke, mates with Crackers... great bloody game son!)
LP: Allen, Isadore, Hayse, Fresh

GOALS:
LS: Oscar 3, Hoyt 2, Brennan, Mathieut, Fish 1
LP: Monico, Allen 2, Roofy, Hayse 1

BURGMANN MEDAL
3- Poncho   3- Tommy
2- Nemo   2- Poncho
1- Hoyt   1- Allen

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17 June, 2008 | Metro Round 4

FOR TIGERS, IT'S AS EASY AS ABC.

Burgmann Fields, Chicago: The Chicago Tribune said it best, "Another Brennan Classic!"

MacGlashan, one of the greatest footballers to come out of Corio Bay, simply shook his head in amazement as Graham 'Crackers' Brennan delivered murderous blow after murderous blow to the underbelly of the Rhinos in a B.O.G performance that belied his inexperience in the great game of Australian Rules Football. MacGlashan, considered by many to be the greatest south paw to ever play the game in the United States was speechless as he watched an inexperienced soccer player take apart the famous powder blue in a game that was hard fought from the outset but the class of the Tigers shone through in the end.

The Rhinos were 1 player short and started the game 3 points down after a great show of force from Lincoln Square, just like the Tigers of old. Despite this, the rhinos were able to jump the Tiges and took the lead early after sustained pressure lead to a great first up goal for little Matty Henzel, the nuggety ex Hooker from Brissy. But as the quarter went on, the Tigers were able to turn the momentum and put the Rhino backs under some huge pressure as big guns Nemo and Poncho started to run wild with Brennan, Oscar and Billy getting kicks at will through the center. Dan 'Thunder' Thompson got a very iffy free kick but made the most of it with a nice goal and when Hoyt accepted a lovely handball from Johnno and duly bagged his first, the Tigers had their arses up and the Rhinos looked in trouble.

Brennan continued to dominate and he was able to break clear and kick LS's only goal of the second quarter with a nice bomb from 40 out on the trot. The Rhinos, as they have repeatedly done, were not to be denied however and they hit back magnificently. Drew Wolfe was finding a lot of the ball, Mike Panek had shut down Thompson, John Scher in his second game was starting to frustrate the fancied Tiger forwards and a ripper of a contest was occurring between the in form Brian Hoyt and the Coach as the Rhinos started to get moving, creating the run out of the backline they have become famous for. Gordon Ambrosino was en freakin' fuego and without Ash Johnson was flying the flag for the Rhinos in what was his best game thus far and equalled Brennans workrate for the Tigers. The repeated attacks of the Rhinos lead to a nice Bretty Isadore goal and at the half, 3.5: 23 led WV 2.3: 15 and it was anyones game.

The premiership quarter was a hard fought affair with both backlines on top. Hoyt was able to break the shackles and kick a cheeky goal before getting another iffy in the back decision which he went back and slammed home for his second of the quarter. Despite repeated forays forward, Nemo, Poncho and the Tiger backs stood tall and shut out the Rhino forwards to send the Tigers into the final quarter 21 points up but with Ambrosino on fire for the Rhinos, there was still hope.

Hoyt went into the ruck to curb the great game Wolfe was playing and Drake went forward to see if the shackles could be broken down there and after Jezza Morgan finally got in front of Pace and goaled on the run, it was a nervous Tiger sideline as the Rhinos continued to apply pressure. The Tigers finally were able to break the back of the Rhinos however with two great goals by Oscar Meyer who had been magnificently tagged by Matty Henzel but the Tiger runners were to good and despite Rhino efforts, were able to dominate in the last part of the quarter. Uhlmann shone bright, Oscar was terrific but it was Brennan that had United fans cheering for the old glory days of the Swans as he looked like big Al MacGlashan running through the middle and kicking bombs after beating three opponents and having a few bounces. The only difference between these two is that Crackers has a right foot. On the other side of the ball, Gordo continued his fantastic game and gave his all to the Rhino cause but it was the Tiges that eventually ran out winners, condemning Wrigleyville to their worst start in 3 seasons, 7. 8: 50 to 3. 6: 24 (-3pts = 21).

FINAL
LP: 7.8: 50 - WV: 3.3: 21

BEST:
LP: Brennan, Billy, Nemo, Poncho, Oscar
WV: Ambrosino, Wolfe, Henzel, Scher

GOALS: LP: Hoyt 3, Oscar 2, Brennan, Thunder 1
WV: Morgan, Henzel, Isadore 1

AWARDS:
Bottomless mug: Gordo, Hat: OBK, Shirts: Isadore and Billy

BURGMANN AWARD:
3- Brennan   3. Gordo
2. Gordo   2. Brennan
1. Uhlmann   1. Uhlmann

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20 May, 2008 | Metro Round 3

PIRANHAS POWER TO TWO IN A ROW

Burgmann Fields, Chicago, IL - In a season of first of's, the Lincoln Park Piranhas have won two on the trot after outlasting a very gallant Wrigleyville Friday night at Burgmann Fields.

In what was another great turn out by both teams (no team docked points), this game had it all and was a terrific example of Australian Football. The Piranhas went into the game red hot favorites despite the losses of Coach Kastilahn and guru, Al MacGlashan. The Rhinos were without Henzel (groin) and played a very injured Funky Miller against doctors orders. The Rhinos drafted in gun tiger midfielder Brennan and welcomed in first gamers Lance and the nuggety John Scher. The Piranhas borrowed Nemo and if more evidence was needed to prove that everything is going the way of the Trixies this year, they also unleashed gun ruckman Brian Dodds from god only knows where. LP welcomed back el presidente Drewbie (also from god only knows where) and Betty Palmer finally showed up as well to let us all know he was still alive.

The game started tough and went that way the whole game. As mentioned in the keys to the game, the Rhinos had to shut down the big Australian contingent of the Piranhas and all was going well for the boys from Cubsville as their midfield with Gordo, AJ and Wolfe were having the better of Allen, Rogers, Dobbs and Palmer. Ambrosino especially was giving the goldies plenty to think about and after some very smart moves, was able to bang home the first for the game. Not long after, and on 1 leg, funky miller out bustled his man to take a nice grab and even more interestingly, actually kick truly while being propped up by two branches from a nearby tree. The Rhinos, always a strong, committed team were looking dangerous and repeated forays forward by LP were to no avail as they kicked poorly due to the enormous pressure being brought to bear on them as the Rhino defense stood very strong against the big man Roofy, the fiesty Didak, el presidente and Isadore. A shitty bounce cost them though as Ehlers was able to kick a goal laughing as Drake was bamboozled by a Shane Warne like wrong un'. At the first break, it was all squared up, WV 2.0: 12 v LP 1.6: 12

Roofy was able to open proceedings in the second after a cheap handball over the top allowed him to run into an open goal and put LP in front but from then on, the Rhinos took control as they dominated through the middle and down back. Morgan at center half forward was very active and the move of Spider onto Roofy enable Drake to start legging it out of the backline and with McClamroch and Johnson getting plenty of run, things were looking good for the Rhinos. Scher was on top of Didak, Lance and poor vision by the Piranha backs were keeping Hayse out of the game and Brennan and Ambrosino were keeping 'dangerous' Dave Allen cold. Morgan was able to mark and goal for his first and Ambrosino capped off some Rhino magic to snag his second and send the Rhinos into the half 5 points up after a dubious shot on goal after the siren by Dobbs was called a point. WV 4.0: 24 v LP 2.7: 19

The feeling was good in the Rhino camp as they came out looking to press home their advantage over the highly paid LP team. LP swung the moves trying various people up forward to break the blockade but it was a sneaky little kick by Beau Rogers that got the Piranhas going and evened the scores. The Piranhas were starting to move the ball better as Dave Allen and Dobbs started to wear down the Rhino on ballers in Brennan, Wolfe and Johnson who after bad injuries to Hoyt P (shot by a sniper behind the grassy knoll... classic stuff if you happened to see it) and Ambrosino (whole body), were unable to change. The game got willing as heavy clashes were the order of the day as players threw themselves at the ball in every contest with the Piranha pride being shown by a ripper of a hit from Bretty Isadore on Drake that saw the latter flying higher than his wife in college. Neither team could break through though as the wind and staunch defences ruled the day. The Rhinos finally broke through and after some magnificent play from Morgan and McClamroch, hit the left tit of Funky 10 meters out but in a Golden Globe classic moment, old Funky decided to play on and the ensuing kick from 5 yards out dead in front missed by 20 yards and the Rhinos were left to rue the fact that OBK's head didn't get in the way of that errant shot. At the orange break, LP led 3. 9: 27 to WV 4.1: 25.

The last quarter was going to be a pearla and it didn't let the large crowd of 12 down. Didak put the first nail in the Rhino coffin as he finally broke the John Scher/ Mike Panek shackles and goaled to put the Piranhas 8 points up and the Piranhas were sniffing a victory. They continued to pepper the goals but it was Morgan at the other end who put the points on the board after running onto a loose ball and kicking a great, Burgmannesque (CAFA bylaws state Waz must be mentioned in each write up) goal 40 meters out on the run which bought the Rhino faithful to its feet.

Players continued to give their all as the Rhino backline, under enormous pressure tried in vain to keep the Piranhas out. The Piranhas helped out with some more poor kicking for goal with both Roofy and Didak missing chances and finally it was up to B.O.G 'Dangerous' Davey Allen (whose mum flies in this week, if anyone's interested in meeting Mrs Allen?) to slot through the game winner and break the Rhinos back. The Rhinos continued to fight though and when Scher ran full steam like one of his Pontiac Grand Am's through the middle and kicked long, Morgan swept again and almost kicked goal of the year but alas, the post was in the way. Again though the Rhinos attacked, this time through Lance the dance whose handball to Drake saw the ball head in Gordos direction but the sniper popped up again and a second Rhino was left wounded on the ground as K.O.G.S signalled the end of one of the best Metro games played in the 3 years of this competition. Skills were excellent, running was spectacular and even the fitness looked pretty good as the two teams embraced after the game. To the victor the spoils as the Piranhas walked triumphantly unbeaten from the ground. Allen, suffering from a nice smack to the gob in the dying minutes was presented with the bottomless mug and had this to say after the game. "MacGlashan? Tall guy right, complains a lot? Nah, we didn't miss him.... Oh that's Burgmann, sorry, Al's the guy that was in Playboy and Chicago magazines right? , Nah, didn't miss him at all. Was a great game from all concerned and kudos to the Rhinos who were bloody terrific and had a red hot shot at us. I reckon we proved a point to all tonight, the Piranhas are fair dinkum".

FINAL SCORES:
LP 5.14: 44 (6 rushed points in all that!) def WV 5.2: 32

BEST:
LP: Allen (bottomless mug), Dobbs, Palmer, Isadore
WV: Morgan (backpack), Scher (t shirt), Ambrosino, Mike Panek (guys on fire!)

GOALS:
LP: Roofy, Allen, Rogers, Didak, Ehlers 1
WV: Morgan J, Ambrosino 2, Miller 1

BURGMANN AWARD (exec and club decision... now open to Australians)
3- Dave Allen   3- Dave Allen
2- Jez Morgan   2- Brian Dobbs
1- Mike Panek   1- Jez Morgan

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10 May, 2008 | Metro Round 2

Piranhas Serve Notice

Burgmann Fields, Chicago;
After Chicago Mayor, Richard M. Daley, stood in front of a 500 strong crowd several years ago to rename this piece of Lincoln Park 'Burgmann Fields', there are rumors that it will again be renamed, this time to the Burgmann Cemetery after the big man was taken apart for the third time this season, this time by a suffocating Piranha defense led by Al MacGlashan and Jeremy Morgan.  In troubling times for the brainstrust at Burgmann Towers, ahead of a must win MAAFL game against St Louis, Burgmann has not been able to get out of first gear kicking only 1 goal in Friday nights big clash where the Piranhas were finally able to overcome their nemesis and beat the Tigers for the first time in 3 seasons.  Often frustrated by poor delivery, Tiger big guns Burgmann, Hoyt and Biggs took to any means necessary to get the ball but all to no avail as they were outmuscled and outnumbered by Kastilahn and his Piranhas.  The game started with a sensational turn out by both teams and for the first time in history, a full compliment of umpires each of who did a wonderful job it must be said.  It was the Piranhas who looked the goods out of the blocks though with a lot of tough ball gets around the ground resulting in forward forays of which one ended up in the hands of big Roofy whose mark and goal started proceedings for the favourites.  From then on the rest of the first quarter belonged to the Tigers with Poncho and Nemo getting on top down back and Billy and Graham dominating possession around the middle. Goals to Panek and Burgmann sent the Tigers into the first break 7 points up, 2.2: 14 to 1.1: 7. With daughter Kathryn and very pregnant wife looking on loving from the sidelines, big Al Macglashan, kickless in the first, moved himself out of the forward line and back onto Burgmann who was starting to show signs of life finally. The effect was instant as he was able to shut down not only Burgmann but the entire Tiger forward line with the help of Morgan, Allen, BJ, DK and Worniak.  Despite Graham and Poncho running riot through the center, the Tigers were not able to consolidate and were only able to add one goal for the term with the little big man, Juzzie Biggs kicking truly.  A frustrated Tigers line up went in to the half time huddle in front 3.4: 22 to LP's 1.3: 9 and despite leading comfortably, all assembled realised this game should've been put to bed already as the Tigers were unable to capitalise on the great work being done by their backline and middle.  The Piranhas were given a nice kick up the arse at half time as Kastilahn sensed the tired legs of the Tigers and demanded more from runners Hayze, Hoyt P, Cisco, Beau Rogers and Davey Allen.  The Tiger forward line were asked a few questions from injured coach, Midway DeJong and as the two teams trotted out to start the premiership quarter, it was still anyones game. 

The Piranhas started to gain the ascendency out of the middle with Davey Allen being well supplied by BJ in the ruck against newbie Jason Seidenberg who was playing a ripper for the Tigers.  Pat Hoyt started to get more possessions and Ryan Hayze was finally being noticed by his teammates and was starting to run riot out wide and through the middle but alas, the delivery of the piranha middle men was atrocious and while Roofy tried, he was constantly out positioned by B.O.G Poncho Bradley and with great support from a determined Nemo, it became a game of backmen kicking it to each other.  A classic crumbers goal to Dides broke the stalemate and produced the terms only goal after Burgmann's shot at the end went out on the full from 30 meters out dead in front.  At the orange break, the LS Tigers were hanging on 3.6: 24 to a sluggish Pirnaha outfit, 2. 5: 17.

Mustard willed the lads on as DK demanded more from his tiring Piranhas and it was clear that in this low scoring affair, whoever grabbed that first goal would control momentum so big Al threw himself up forward and started to take over.  The Piranhas were full of piss and vinegar as Dides slipped through his second.  After Beau Rogers kicked truly and LP hit the lead, it was clear changes needed to be made if the Tigers were to get out of this one.  A tiring Nemo and Poncho battled valiantly but with a forward line functioning like a 2 bob watch, the ball was rebounding too quickly and despite valiant efforts by an impressive Seidenberg, a promising Soup and others, the Piranhas were to good.  When Dougie fresh stepped in to mark and goal, the game was over and a victorious MacGlashan, interviewed after the game was full of praise for himself and his men. "Yeeeesssss mayyyte, I killed Wazza, did ya see that? The big galah didn't know what hit him. But nah, the boys were good today but we need to work on a few things, especially the delivery to our forwards. Dougie Fresh was good, liked Hayzie on the wing and when we get Roofy going, it will be all good to go against the farken Rhino scum of Wrigleyville".

Final Scores:
Lincoln Park - 6.5: 41 def Lincoln Sqaure - 3. 8: 26

Best Players:
LP: MacGlashan, D. Fresh, Allen, Hayze, BJ
LS: Poncho, Brennan, Nemo, Oscar

Goals:
LP: Didak 2, Roofy, Rogers, Dougie Fresh 1 (We are missing 1 goal from the Piranhas. Whoever was wearing # 21 kicked it I think??)
LS: Biggs, Panek, Burgmann 1

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Metro Fixture and Statistics